I've got intentional feels...but I don't know what they are.
Today I dropped off my littlest at Kindergarten. It was not a dramatic emotional experience, but whenever someone asked me how I felt, all I could say all day was “I don’t know”. There is good, there is sad, and there is stuff that just is.
This one hits me much more in the feels than dropping off my older one. First time Kinder parents are supposed to have all the trouble. I feel like that one was easy… but I may be remembering it wrong. I honestly can’t remember. At the time my youngest was still in his cancer fight so how I felt about any given thing changed based on the hour. Let’s pretend I was super chill about it.
The last couple of years when my daughter was in first and second, I was like “HALLELUJAH I’M OUTTA HERE FOLKS!” as soon as was humanly possible.
When it comes to emotions I don’t tend to go the way of most people though. I either process it all ahead of time so I am over it when the amazing exciting thing is actually happening (graduations, my wedding, etc…) or I process it six months later, and everyone wonders why the hell I’m just coming to the party or pity party.
(To be fair to myself, I’m pretty sure half of America doesn’t process their feelings at all…)
All I do know about my feelings today is that I planned ahead and I am damn proud of myself for it!
I intentionally was a badass and let go of expectations I had of productiveness, of how I should feel, and even what I wanted to do… and I took today off of the obligations in my head to essentially to just go with the flow.
I ended up working a little, painting a little, binge watching tv a lot… but the whole time was intentionally staying aware of the feels that were happening. Most of the time it was small to barely medium level feels both good and bad at the same time… so I didn’t really need to cry and I didn’t really want to celebrate… so I just felt.
This is something I am proud of and it’s taken a lot of work to get here.
I, like everyone on the planet, get lost in expectations. Usually, it’s over how much emotion I am allowed to have over a certain event, how I should feel specifically when I should feel it, and what it all should look like… and also how much I should be able to accomplish while feeling it.
The thing is you feel what you feel. Whether justified or not, you are still feeling it. To take intentional time to check in with yourself, especially big or unsure moments, is incredibly important so you can process and deal in a healthy way.
Not dealing leads to soooo many problems, the least of all is me randomly crying while watching Princess Diaries for the first time in twenty years because of the fat cat is going with her to Genovia.
Dealing. It’s a good thing.
So there’s that…