Feel the Feels, Anniversary of Cancer

Asher 5 wks.png

Today is the anniversary of my son being diagnosed with cancer (pictured above at 5 weeks old). It always brings up weird emotions. I hate to give that day such significance.

I don't want to dwell and mourn the bad stuff, but celebrate the good stuff that comes out of the bad, but I've had to written it on so many medical histories it's burned into my brain. But what's interesting to me is how it affects each of us momcology mom's in different ways, long after the fact, that we'd never expect... for me, especially this year, the time between my son's birthday and this anniversary is borderline painful for me.

It's five weeks of a daily gut feeling of impending doom. During the last five weeks I have reflected, more than I've intended to. I reflect on how, after a rough end of pregnancy, we thought mom and baby were healthy which is every parent's dream. I was relieved because life was finally getting back to "normal". I spent that five weeks coming up with a new routine and all these things I was going to do with my daughter... that never happened because we spent the next year at Kaiser Roseville pretty much daily. 

It's silly. My son survived. He's thriving now. So why am I dwelling?

In some ways the last five weeks, between Asher's birthday and diagnosis anniversary feels so long now because that five weeks wasn't enough then. I wanted more time with my healthy baby (he wasn't but ignorance is bliss). I wanted more time to cuddle him without tubes hanging out of him. I wanted more time thinking my baby being a week late while I had a pulled pelvis, was the worst thing we'd face. 

I needed just more time... before everything stopped. When I thought I'd stay in ministry, I had plans, and was stupid enough to think I knew it all. 

Now is the day of diagnosis, and I woke up feeling free. Today four years ago, my world stopped but at least I didn't think my child was healthy when he wasn't. At least I knew everything would change, and didn't have some ideal in my head that was going to happen next. I stopped, and realized I had no clue what was ahead. It was terrifying but I leaned on God more than ever. In a way, losing my expectations, gave me freedom. Freedom to not always be working towards something, but be focused on today. Freedom to not think I had all the parenting answers or could even attempt to be perfect at it. Free to take a hold of the road ahead of me, and hang on for dear life, without any expectations, and do nothing but try to find every little speck of joy in my crappy days. 

There is no more wait. It's here. The day of diagnosis anniversary is the start of everything, good and bad that would be the last four years. The years that are the hardest of my life, but I'd change for the better in so many ways. I wouldn't want to go through what I did, for the sake of my kids and husband, but for me I am stronger, more confidence, and more comfortable being me than I ever have been in my life.

Today I am celebrating that. After reflecting on grief for five weeks, I deserve it. 

Is this weird? I feel like it's weird to feel this way...